Harvard Psychiatrist Reveals The Four Post-it Notes That Could Change How People Handle Conflict

A tiny moment can sometimes create a reaction far bigger than the moment itself. A partner rolls their eyes, a friend responds with a short message, or a colleague makes an offhand comment, and suddenly the mood changes. Within seconds, the mind can turn a simple interaction into a personal story filled with assumptions, frustration, and emotion. Harvard-trained psychiatrist Dr. Kavetha Sundaramoorthy says this pattern happens because people often react not only to what happened, but to the meaning they attach to what happened.

In a viral explanation shared online, she uses a simple Post-it note exercise to show how the brain moves from an experience, to a story, and finally to a reaction. The exercise looks almost too simple: a few pieces of paper placed on a board. But the idea behind it has caught attention because it addresses a problem many people recognize. A disagreement often does not begin with the actual event. It begins with the explanation created afterward.

Dr. Sundaramoorthy, who goes by Dr. Kavetha Sun, says one additional step can create space between a person and their emotions. Her method adds awareness between the story the brain creates and the reaction that follows.

The Three Notes Behind The Emotional Cycle

Sundaramoorthy explains the process by placing three Post-it notes in a row. The first note says Experience, the second says Story, and the third says Reaction. Together, they represent the sequence that often happens during everyday conflicts.

The first stage is the simplest because it only involves what can actually be observed. If someone rolls their eyes during a conversation, the experience is just that: an eye roll happened. There is no explanation attached yet, and there is no information about what the person was thinking.

The trouble begins when the mind moves from the event itself into interpretation. Humans naturally search for meaning, especially when something feels uncomfortable or personal. The brain wants to understand what happened and why it happened.

That process can happen so quickly that people may not notice the moment when they move from facts into assumptions. A person may go from seeing an expression on someone’s face to believing they know exactly what that expression means.

Sundaramoorthy says the second note, Story, is where many emotional reactions begin. The mind starts filling in missing information, often without checking whether the explanation is accurate.

How The Mind Creates Stories From Small Moments

The psychiatrist says people often create these explanations using a single connecting word: “because.” A person does not simply think, “My partner rolled their eyes.” The brain may immediately add, “My partner rolled their eyes because they do not respect me.”

That extra sentence can completely change the emotional response. The original event may have lasted only a second, but the story attached to it can continue for hours.

Sundaramoorthy explains that the problem is not having thoughts or emotions. The human mind is designed to interpret situations. The issue appears when a person treats every interpretation as if it is a confirmed fact.

A similar pattern happens in everyday situations. Someone does not reply to a message and the mind may create a reason. A manager gives criticism and the brain may decide it means failure. A family member sounds tired and the mind may assume anger.

The reaction that follows is often based on the story rather than the original event. People may become defensive, withdraw, argue, or feel hurt because they are responding to a meaning their own mind created.

The Post-it note exercise focuses on recognizing that gap. The goal is to notice the difference between what happened and what the brain says happened.

The Fourth Note That Creates Distance

After explaining Experience, Story, and Reaction, Sundaramoorthy introduces a fourth Post-it note. She places it between Story and Reaction and labels it Awareness.

She says this step allows people to observe their emotions before automatically acting on them. Instead of saying, “I am angry,” she suggests a different approach: “I notice a part of me feels angry.”

The wording creates a small but important separation. The person is still experiencing anger, but they are also observing that anger. The emotion becomes something they are noticing rather than something completely controlling their behavior.

“This language, ‘I notice that a part of me,’ allows you to have a little bit of distance between you and your thoughts and emotions,” Sundaramoorthy explains.

That distance does not mean ignoring emotions or pretending difficult feelings do not exist. It creates a pause where someone can decide what response fits the situation instead of reacting immediately.

The technique connects with ideas used in several psychological approaches, including cognitive defusion, where people learn to recognize thoughts as mental events rather than automatic truths.

Why Naming Emotions Can Affect The Brain

The idea of creating distance from emotions has also been studied by researchers looking at how the brain responds when people identify their feelings.

A 2007 study led by UCLA psychologist Matthew Lieberman examined how people processed negative emotional images while undergoing brain scans. Researchers looked at what happened when participants simply experienced emotions compared with when they labeled those emotions.

The researchers found that putting feelings into words was linked with changes in brain activity. When people identified what they were feeling, activity in the amygdala, an area involved in emotional processing, decreased.

“When you attach the word ‘angry,’ you see a decreased response in the amygdala,” Lieberman said.

The findings suggest that naming emotions may change the way people experience them. Instead of being caught inside an emotional reaction, identifying the feeling may help create a little mental space.

However, the research does not mean a Post-it note exercise can solve every emotional challenge. The studies examine specific psychological processes, while real-life conflicts involve relationships, personal histories, and circumstances that can be much more complicated.

Where The Evidence Has Limits

The Post-it note method has gained attention because it makes a complicated emotional process easy to understand, but the exercise itself has not been tested as a standalone psychological treatment. There has been no clinical trial examining whether four Post-it notes alone can transform emotional patterns or improve relationships.

What researchers have studied are the individual ideas behind the method. Emotional labeling, observing thoughts, and creating distance from reactions have all been explored in psychology, but each area has its own limits.

The UCLA research on labeling emotions involved a controlled experiment with 30 participants, meaning the results offer insight into how the brain may respond in specific situations. They do not prove that the same effect will happen during every argument, stressful conversation, or personal conflict.

The same applies to the “part of me” language used by Sundaramoorthy. The idea overlaps with approaches such as internal family systems, which encourages people to view their thoughts and feelings as different parts of their experience rather than as their entire identity.

Research around these approaches is still developing. Some studies have found benefits, while researchers continue examining how effective these methods are compared with other psychological tools.

For people dealing with everyday frustration, the exercise may offer a way to slow down reactions and examine assumptions. For deeper emotional struggles, anxiety, trauma, or ongoing distress, a simple awareness technique may not address the full situation.

The Science Behind Talking To Yourself Differently

Another area of research connected to Sundaramoorthy’s explanation involves the way people speak to themselves during difficult moments.

Psychologist Ethan Kross and researchers at the University of Michigan studied how different forms of self-talk affected emotional responses. Their research examined whether people responded differently when they used first-person language, such as “I am upset,” compared with using their own name or a more distant perspective.

The findings suggested that third-person self-talk could create emotional distance and reduce immediate reactions in certain situations. Instead of being completely absorbed by an emotion, people appeared to gain a slightly more objective perspective.

This connects closely with the psychiatrist’s suggestion to say, “I notice a part of me feels angry.” The sentence creates an observer position, allowing someone to recognize an emotion without immediately becoming controlled by it.

A person experiencing anger may still feel the same frustration, but the language encourages them to examine the feeling rather than instantly act from it.

Researchers describe this kind of distancing as a way of changing the relationship people have with their thoughts. The thought remains present, but it may feel less overwhelming.

The Four-Step Method People Are Sharing Online

Sundaramoorthy’s explanation has become popular because the process can be remembered quickly. Instead of requiring people to understand complicated psychological theories, it gives them a simple sequence to recognize during stressful moments.

The method can be broken down into four stages:

• Experience: Identify the event that actually happened without adding assumptions or explanations.
• Story: Notice the meaning your mind created about the event and question whether it is a fact or an interpretation.
• Awareness: Recognize the emotion that appears and create distance by observing it.
• Reaction: Choose a response after giving yourself time to process what is happening.

The biggest change happens between the story and the reaction. That brief pause allows people to examine whether their first interpretation is accurate or whether their emotions are being driven by an assumption.

This does not mean every negative feeling is incorrect. Sometimes people react strongly because something genuinely hurtful happened. Awareness is not about dismissing emotions; it is about understanding where they come from.

The exercise works because it gives people a chance to separate the event from the meaning attached to it. A difficult conversation may still need to happen, but it can begin from a clearer place.

The Message Behind The Viral Post-it Exercise

The reason the technique has connected with so many people is its simplicity. Many emotional reactions feel complicated when they happen, but Sundaramoorthy’s explanation suggests there may be a small moment between what happens and how people respond.

The eye roll example remains the same. The person still saw the expression. The conversation still happened. The difference is that the person has a chance to recognize the story their mind creates before allowing that story to control their reaction.

Sundaramoorthy compares thoughts and emotions to clouds moving through the sky. Feelings appear, change, and eventually pass, while the person experiencing them remains present.

“Thoughts and emotions are like clouds in the sky,” she says. “They come and go.”

The final idea behind the exercise is simple: people may not always control the first thought that appears, but they can learn to choose what happens next.

A few Post-it notes cannot erase conflict from human relationships, but they can reveal the hidden step where many conflicts begin. That awareness may be the difference between reacting to a story and responding to what is actually happening.