Surprising Habits That Lead To Divorce

Maintaining a healthy relationship requires more than just grand gestures and significant efforts; it often hinges on the small, everyday habits that we might overlook. While major issues like infidelity can undoubtedly end a marriage, research shows that minor, seemingly insignificant habits can also chip away at the foundation of a relationship over time.

“It’s easy for the small habits to start leading a relationship off track,” says Allison Zamani, an associate marriage and family therapist. She explains that the key to a lasting relationship is maintaining a strong connection, which demands consistent effort from both partners.

Couples frequently seek therapy not due to a specific conflict but because they no longer feel connected to one another. This disconnection often starts with minor issues, such as one partner feeling stressed and choosing to withdraw rather than seek support.

To build and maintain a healthy relationship, it’s crucial to cultivate good habits that foster connection and eliminate those that create distance. In this article, we’ll explore seven surprising habits that can harm your relationship and provide practical tips to avoid them, ensuring you and your partner stay connected and strong.

Habit 1: Being Overly Affectionate Early On

In the early days of a relationship, it’s common to feel an intense surge of affection and passion. While this honeymoon phase can be exciting and heartwarming, it might also set the stage for future problems if not managed properly. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that couples who are overly affectionate in the first few years of marriage are more likely to divorce after seven years.

The researchers discovered that this initial burst of intense affection often isn’t sustainable. Once the honeymoon phase fades and reality sets in, some couples realize they aren’t as compatible as they initially thought. This can lead to a decrease in affection and an increase in ambivalence, putting the relationship at risk.

It’s important to note that this doesn’t apply to all couples who are affectionate early on. The key factor is the foundation upon which the relationship is built. If the relationship is based solely on intense chemistry without deeper compatibility, it may struggle once the initial passion wanes.

Tips for Building a Balanced, Sustainable Relationship:

1. Pace Your Affection: While it’s natural to express affection, try to pace it to avoid overwhelming your partner. Focus on building a deeper emotional connection alongside physical affection.
2. Communicate Openly: Regularly discuss your feelings and expectations with your partner. Open communication helps both partners understand each other’s needs and establish a strong foundation.
3. Cultivate Shared Interests: Spend time developing common hobbies and interests. This not only strengthens your bond but also ensures that your relationship isn’t solely dependent on physical attraction.
4. Focus on Compatibility: Ensure that your relationship is built on mutual respect, shared values, and long-term compatibility. This will help sustain your connection even when the initial passion ebbs.

By taking these steps, you can create a balanced, sustainable relationship that stands the test of time, beyond the honeymoon phase.

Habit 2: Avoiding Confrontation

Avoiding confrontation might seem like a way to keep the peace in a relationship, but it can actually create more problems in the long run. A 2018 study published by the American Psychological Association found that a habit of withdrawing or shutting down during confrontations can negatively affect relationships. This behavior, known as the “demand-withdrawal” dynamic, can leave the other partner feeling ignored and unimportant.

When one partner consistently avoids confrontation, it can make the other feel like their needs and concerns are not being taken seriously. Over time, this can lead to frustration, resentment, and a significant emotional disconnect.

Strategies for Healthy Communication and Conflict Resolution:

1. Face Issues Head-On: Avoiding problems won’t make them disappear. Address issues directly and respectfully to prevent them from escalating.
2. Use “I” Statements: Frame your concerns using “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example, say “I feel upset when…” instead of “You always…”
3. Practice Active Listening: Show your partner that you are listening by repeating back what they’ve said and asking clarifying questions. This helps ensure both parties feel heard and understood.
4. Take Breaks if Needed: If a discussion becomes too heated, agree to take a short break and resume the conversation when both are calmer. This prevents saying things in anger that you might regret later.
5. Seek Compromise: Aim for solutions that satisfy both partners. Compromise shows that you value each other’s needs and are willing to work together to resolve conflicts.

By implementing these strategies, you can turn confrontations into opportunities for growth and deeper understanding in your relationship.

Habit 3: Financial Mismanagement

Money matters are one of the leading causes of stress in relationships, and poor financial habits can significantly strain even the strongest partnerships. Financial mismanagement, including letting debt pile up or having significant differences in credit scores, can lead to serious marital discord.

Research by the Federal Reserve Board found that couples with greater differences in their credit scores are more likely to separate within five years. Similarly, a survey conducted by Student Loan Hero revealed that one in eight couples blame student loans for contributing to relationship breakdowns.

Practical Financial Management Tips for Couples:

1. Be Transparent About Finances: Openly discuss your financial situation, including debts, savings, and spending habits. Transparency builds trust and allows you to tackle financial challenges together.
2. Set Shared Financial Goals: Establish common financial goals, such as saving for a house, planning for retirement, or creating an emergency fund. Working towards these goals together strengthens your financial partnership.
3. Create a Budget: Develop a budget that outlines your income, expenses, and savings. Stick to this budget to avoid unnecessary debt and ensure both partners are on the same page financially.
4. Regularly Review Finances: Schedule regular check-ins to review your financial situation and adjust your budget or goals as needed. This helps prevent small issues from turning into major problems.
5. Seek Professional Advice: If managing finances becomes overwhelming, consider seeking advice from a financial planner. They can provide guidance and strategies tailored to your specific situation.

By taking these proactive steps, you can prevent financial issues from undermining your relationship and ensure you are both working towards a secure and prosperous future together.

Habit 4: Arguing Over Chores

Household chores might seem like a minor issue, but disagreements over them can cause significant friction in a relationship. A 2018 study from the Harvard Business School found that 25% of couples listed “disagreements about housework” as a reason for divorce. When one partner feels they are doing more than their fair share, it can lead to resentment and constant arguments, which can erode the relationship over time.

Tips for Managing Household Responsibilities:

1. Discuss and Agree on Tasks: Communicate openly about who will handle specific tasks. This can prevent misunderstandings and ensure both partners feel the workload is fairly distributed.
2. Create a Chore Schedule: A visual reminder of responsibilities can help keep both partners accountable and reduce arguments about forgotten tasks.
3. Consider Outsourcing Chores: If possible, hire help for cleaning or yard work. This can alleviate stress and allow both partners to focus on spending quality time together.
4. Show Appreciation: Acknowledge and thank your partner for their contributions. This fosters a sense of teamwork and mutual respect.

By addressing household chores collaboratively and fairly, you can reduce one common source of conflict and strengthen your relationship.

Habit 5: Technology and Gaming Addiction

In today’s digital age, technology and gaming addiction can pose significant challenges to maintaining a healthy relationship. A study by U.K.-based service, Divorce Online, found that in 2018, at least 200 divorce petitions cited the video game Fortnite: Battle Royale as a reason for divorce. The addiction to technology, including video games and smartphones, can lead to emotional distance and neglect of the relationship.

Excessive gaming or technology use can take away time that could be spent bonding with your partner, leading to feelings of neglect and disconnection. A 2014 Pew Research report found that one in five people say that technology use has negatively affected their relationship, with a quarter of respondents noting that their partners get distracted by their smartphones during couple time.

Addressing technology and gaming addiction requires open communication and mutual agreements on boundaries. By prioritizing quality time together and finding a balance, couples can prevent digital distractions from undermining their relationship and ensure both partners feel connected and valued.

Habit 6: Negative Venting About Your Relationship

Negative venting about your relationship can be a subtle yet powerful habit that undermines the bond between partners. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology by John Gottman and colleagues found that the way individuals speak about their relationship can predict whether or not they will get divorced. Participants who spoke negatively about their relationship or expressed disappointment were more likely to separate.

Constantly venting about your partner or your relationship can create a cycle of negativity and resentment. It reinforces negative feelings and perspectives, making it difficult to see the positive aspects of your relationship. Over time, this can erode the emotional connection and lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and disconnection.

To maintain a healthy relationship, it’s important to express concerns constructively and focus on positive communication. This involves discussing issues calmly and respectfully, seeking solutions together, and reinforcing the strengths and positive aspects of the relationship. By fostering a supportive and optimistic environment, couples can navigate challenges more effectively and maintain a strong, healthy bond.

Habit 7: Jealousy Over Partner’s Success

Jealousy over a partner’s success can create significant tension and strain in a relationship. A 2018 study by Swedish researchers found that women who earned less than their husbands at the beginning of their marriage were twice as likely to get divorced if they started seeing more success at work. Women who moved into leadership roles were less likely to stay married compared to those who sought higher positions but did not achieve them.

This jealousy often stems from traditional gender roles and expectations. When one partner feels threatened or insecure about the other’s success, it can lead to resentment and conflict. This dynamic can be particularly damaging if the successful partner feels unsupported or if their achievements are downplayed.

Supporting each other’s growth and celebrating successes together is crucial for a healthy relationship. Both partners should strive to view each other’s achievements as shared victories and work towards mutual goals. This not only strengthens the relationship but also fosters an environment of trust and encouragement.

Strengthening Your Bond: Key Takeaways

Small habits can significantly impact the health and longevity of a relationship. While it’s easy to focus on major issues, it’s often the everyday behaviors that can gradually lead to disconnection and dissatisfaction. By being mindful of habits like excessive early affection, avoiding confrontation, financial mismanagement, arguing over chores, technology addiction, negative venting, and jealousy over a partner’s success, couples can take proactive steps to strengthen their bond.

Building a lasting relationship requires effort, communication, and a willingness to address and adjust behaviors that may create distance. By fostering positive habits and working together to overcome challenges, couples can maintain a strong, supportive, and loving connection. Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, understanding, and consistent effort from both partners.