On a warm, breezy, Friday evening, many people casually strolled the boardwalk along Coronado beach. There I was nervously excited walking on the arm of my friend Simon. We were greeted with smiles and well wishes from passers-by as the wind danced through my hair. You see, Simon was escorting me to the very spot on the beach where our friends and my fiance awaited my arrival. Today was our wedding day, the beach was chosen specifically to be close to his daughter while the family watched from afar via social media. At that time, I seemed to get marriage advice everywhere I turned. But just recently I read some great marriage advice from a divorced man, and I shared some of that wisdom with my now husband.
They say the first year of marriage is the most difficult. The statistics in fact used to say that half of all marriages would end in divorce. Those statistics have changed significantly since millennials have come into relationship age. The percentages are down to 39 percent mainly because couples try on living together prior to making the commitment of marriage. Essentially they test drive the relationship before actually making the full commitment. Well, I can tell you that I am far from being a millennial, this first year pulled and stretched us in ways we couldn’t have imagined. Divorce I am sure crossed both my husband’s and my mind, but we are still here. It used to be that your parents gave you marriage advice, or your pastor gave you marriage advice, but those don’t seem to necessarily be constants for everyone these days. However, a recent article inspired me to share my wisdom on marriage advice. (1, 3)
My Marriage Advice: Ten Do’s For Year Two
Anyone who tells you that marriage is easy is either single or is not being honest with you. Marriages take work by both partners. You must learn to work as a team and often times in the first year of marriage that just doesn’t happen. Gerald Rogers sat down the day after his divorce to write down the wisdom he had learned and shared it in a social media post hoping to inspire others. His words have clearly made an impact and continue to inspire those who read his work as well as the posts his work inspires. Gerald, your wisdom inspired me to share my thoughts on how my husband and I can work together to get to anniversary number two.
1. Take Time For Each Other
You need time to connect as a couple away from work, household chores, paying bills and all the business of life. It’s important to schedule time each week to connect and check in with each other, even if it’s over coffee or breakfast. Commit to this time and keep it. You both matter and it should be non-negotiable.
2. Protect Each Other’s Hearts
There is a special place in your heart for your spouse. This space should belong only to your spouse. If there is energy from any previous relationship, you should work with a therapist to clear that energy. That space should be kept sacred for your spouse.
3. Never Take Each Other For Granted
Appreciation goes a long way. Being thankful for the little things you do for each other.
When you start to overlook those things, you start to overlook everything. Remember that either one of you could be gone at any time, so never forget to appreciate each other.
4. Be Fully Present
Step away from all of the distractions when you are spending time together with your spouse. There is too much time that is wasted on social media that could be spent taking time to connect with your spouse. Don’t miss out on this valuable asset.
5. Know When To Give Space
If your spouse requests space, honor that request. Being empathic, if we argue, I get energetically overloaded, and just need space. I will request to have space. It’s just time for me to reground myself and be able to come back to the conversation in a calm manner. Communicate clearly with your spouse what you need and why. Both partners should be willing to work together to make the marriage flow.
6. Be Willing To Be Vulnerable
Vulnerability doesn’t come easy for most people. In fact, many people are afraid of vulnerability. I believe it takes a couple who have both been doing deep work to be able to be vulnerable with each other. My husband is just starting to touch into vulnerability because he has been doing some work on himself. Hold space for each other and don’t judge, just love each other.
7. Have The Courage To Be Transparent
You can’t grow as a married couple if you aren’t willing to be completely transparent. This means everything. Financially, if you’re not telling your spouse about your overtime income, or if your hiding your shopping expenditures, why? Who are you lying to? If you can’t tell your spouse everything, what kind of relationship are you building? If there are secrets now, there will always be secrets.
8. Never Go To Bed Angry
My grandmother said it, my mother said it, and I still stand by it. Whatever you argued about, it’s not worth holding onto overnight. Let it go. Forgive each other. And be free.
9. Money Is Not Worth Obsessing Over
When I began doing mindset work about 6 years ago, I learned to release my worries out to the universe. Now whether you believe in God, Buddha, Allah, the universe, etc., whenever you have any worries, pause, look up to the heavens and say, “Take these burdens from me. I trust that you have me and will provide exactly what I need when it is needed. I trust that I am on the path that you have set forth for me.”
10. Love Big, Love Hard, With Your Heart Wide Open
For me, when it comes to love, I can only love one way. I love big, I love hard and with my heart wide open. My husband knows this full well about me. He has watched me get hurt because of it. He also loves hard, it is part of what brought us together. We both know that we have work ahead of us. Getting on the same path is a choice and the first step to diving into the work of Year Two of this marriage.
We have all seen the fairytale and seen the movies that end with the guy getting the girl. I’d like to think that there is more to it than that. Maybe the fairytale ending is more about finding a mutual love and respect for each other that works for a lifetime of love and happiness. At least let’s see if it can get us through year two a bit more successfully. Looking forward to checking back in with you all in a year to update you when we hit our 2-year anniversary!